HERE I AM, NOW WHAT?

Sometimes it's just about showing up. It's not about perfection or greatness.  It's not about having it all figured out or controlling the outcome.  And that's not an easy pill to swallow if you have centered your life around planning everything out and following a prescribed path like I have.  The hard part of just showing up and allowing things to unfold is that it can feel incredibly vulnerable.  Terrifying even.  But we do hard things here.  We tackle hard conversations and we show up for ourselves.  Even when we don't think we have anything to give.  Let's get into it. 

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

This is Unsided. Unsided. Unsided. Hey everybody, it's Kristofer. Welcome back to another episode of Unsided. It's always lovely to be here in conversation with you, and I appreciate you taking the time to join me. I can't figure out what I want to talk about. Which is weird for me. And I was talking to my husband about it today, and what did he say? He said something like well, something essentially like you're you're making it too difficult. You're you have some goal outside of yourself and you're focusing on this goal and you're focusing on being perfect and you're not really just being in the process. And I've kind of been going through this, I would say, the past few years. You know, in at least in relation to how I show up in the world, whether it's through social media or something like that, or just in life. I went into hiding for a little while there. And this is part of my coming out of hiding, part of using my voice again. And if I were to look back, like let's just say at my social media, I really only have TikTok. If I were to look back at my TikTok from three or four years ago, I think I started four years ago. But if I were to look back at the beginning, the first couple years, I was talking about everything. I was sharing so many things in my life. I was being funny, I was being quippy, I was thinking of different ideas every day. I was just kind of in it. And then some big things happened in my life, and I just kind of stopped. I didn't entirely stop. I still made videos here and there. I still tried to share what I could where I could because I understand the value, at least for me, in connection, in conversation. And at that point, I had the idea of a podcast in my head, but I had too many other things that I was thinking about to really dive in and begin. And even when I decided to do the podcast, it took me over a year to really get going. And not that there's a measure of any sort of time that I'm supposed to follow, but that that was that was how it unfolded for me. And so finally doing the podcast after recording different episodes over a period of time and kind of keeping them in a vault and then finally getting brave enough to do it, and then not really promoting it. I've I've made a couple of videos on my TikTok page and I've had a couple of people I've interviewed who've promoted the show. But mostly it's just kind of existing. Which you would think means that I feel like I could, you know, say anything. Learn, you know, right in front of you, which I guess is what I'm supposed to be doing. But I tend to like to plan things out. I like to know the path or the direction that I'm going. I'm only just now learning to enjoy the process of anything, not just the podcast. I'm only just now, you know, literally and figuratively stopping to smell the roses. I have some flowers that bloom outside my house most of the year. Beautiful white flowers, I have no idea what they are exactly. Um, I've never really cared to look because I just know that they're beautiful, and when I am out with the dog in the morning, I always or often stop to smell them. Because I think I'm here. I should smell these flowers. You know, I at one time in my life would have just rushed my dog outside and then rushed back in to get into whatever I needed to get into. Lately I've been trying to be more deliberate about that too. I stop, I play ball with him for a minute, I take it in. I always kind of think in movies in my mind anyway, so I'm kind of picturing, you know, like this scene would be, this would be this scene in a movie, and I really want to take it in and capture it. I won't always have this moment. Not really in a morbid way, just in a more conscious way. So I've kind of experimenting with being in the process of life. I've had so many moments the past few years when the anxiety and the fear was overtaking me. I mean, do you know that feeling when you are anxious about something, you're fearful about something, and it's so embedded in your body that even though you can try to think your way out of it, your your cells are literally vibrating with anxious with anxiety or with fear, or sadness isn't really a thing for me, but it could be sadness for you, or whatever. That's that's been my experience these past few years. And I know now that what I was doing was growing and shedding, and it gets vulnerable, and you know, as something heals or after a scab comes off, you know, the skin is sensitive underneath there. And now it's toughening up, and now I'm finding a different kind of peace, the ability to not be so I don't know, overtaken by anxiety or fear or worry or whatever, you know, that I can actually make the choice to stop and smell those flowers or play with my dog. And so the I guess the rub is that in the in-between space, you know, like when I started the podcast, I I had it all planned out. I was in the process. I wouldn't say I would be enjoying the process. I mean, I was happy to be doing it. So I don't want to make it sound like it wasn't happy, but like I had a plan, and every two weeks, or every week on this day I was gonna launch. And then slowly I started to, I don't know, um feel like I wanted to relax about it a little bit. And as soon as I took the kind of like, you know, push to just do do do out of the podcast or even my work in general, and take more time to be, I'm finding a little bit that it feels like when I pulled back from social media and when I, you know, really just kind of went inwards a few years ago, just kind of another version of, oh, okay, so now I'm comfortable being out there, but now can I be comfortable being out there, being in life, being on this podcast, and really not know what direction I'm going, just really being in the flow. It's such a cloying word. I heard that someone said cloying the other day, I don't remember who it was, but such a great word. But it is flow. You know, like it it said so much, and it's a great word. You know, if you think about a river flowing and the rocks and the river still flows around and finds the easiest path, and that sounds pretty great. Like that's that's what I'd like to be doing in every area of my life. And I don't really know how like I think it would be really interesting to get into somebody else's mind who really is in flow or thinks they're in flow or whatever, and like experience that. What I'm kind of coming to understand is that it requires patience. Lately, my husband and I have had opportunities to do kind of projects together. We put a we put a shed together in the backyard, and I tell you what, we've been through so many things. We've been through the death of a parent, immigration, uh, moving to another country, you know, the integration of families. And anyway, we've done pretty darn well. But I when we started putting this shed together, that was really a test, um a test of our marriage. But he was telling me that, you know, you're not patient, Christopher. And I I think that I think that I'm patient. And I also think at the same time that I know that that's kind of absurd because I am absolutely not patient. I have patient, I have patience with odd things. You know, things that are completely out of my control, I can be pretty patient about. Because somewhere along the way I learned it's not going to do me a heck of a lot of good to try to manipulate something that is literally not within my control. But if I can control things, or if, you know, like putting the shed together or whatever, I'll move quickly. You know, this, I guess this kind of ties into whether or not I'm enjoying the process. Whether I'm stopping to enjoy the process. But it requires a lot of patience to, I mean, in my experience and what I'm experiencing right now, it requires me to slow down and be patient in order to be present and be in the flow, which means that I can't just sit down and look at a list of things that I want to talk about with you when I sit down. And unless I've typed it out and memorized it or something, if the flow is not flowing on that subject, then I'm not going to get very far. I get about halfway through a podcast, and then I either stop or I finish the podcast and listen, and halfway through it's, you know, it's not even making sense. And maybe that's part of the process, you know, painting my paintings until I get the one that I like. And that's all well and good. And this isn't really kind of a complaint or a takedown of anything. This is just where I am today. There's a fine line for me between living and really living. That's not a very eloquent thing I just said, but it's it's a really delicate balance because I understand the purpose of the things that I do because I am able to tap into moments when I really do creatively or emotionally feel like I'm in flow. When I'm making my podcast, when I'm working, when I'm re interacting with certain people, when I'm with my children, when I'm with my husband, when I'm with my dog, and I'm outside with those flowers. I can feel reverence. I am at a place now where I can be so grateful. And it's like I'm almost two different people for a minute, you know, here, where I have this kind of old me and then this new uh Christopher 2. Christopher 2.0. Where I, you know, it's not like an entirely different person, but it's just a I just I've done some upgrades. And I'm ambitious, absolutely. I've always been ambitious. I'd like ideas, I like to do things, I like to talk clearly. I like to tell stories, I like to be involved in things. So none of that goes is going away. But I'm finding the why is coming up a lot more. That's kind of where my thoughts are going right now. The why. So, in order to get to the why, like, why am I going to sit down and talk about something specific today? What is the value in what I'm going to share today? That's a really important thing for me now at this point of my life to be of service. Number one, I understand that service is what has value. When somebody is of service or bringing a service that is unique to them or that they do really, really well, it's valuable. That's really all work is anyway. But in life in general, I would like to be of service. It just feels good. For me, the way my brain works, if I have a purpose. If I'm anywhere without a purpose, I can get a little confused. So the why. Like, why, why am I making the choices that I'm making? Why am I doing the podcast? I'm not getting too existential here in my daily life, but that's just kind of where I am. And I think what it's doing is it feels like it zaps my motivation a little bit. It zaps that ambition or it zaps my creativity. Because I'm in this middle space where I want to be regimented about things and I want to know exactly what I'm doing, exactly where I'm going, and kind of control the outcome. That's what my husband was saying. He was saying that I was trying to control the outcome or suggesting and reading a really interesting article. And by the way, let me just say I love that about my husband, and I don't think that I really even understood in in previous partnerships. Number one, because it wasn't modeled to me as a child, but I just I never found a partner who would be as interested in my growth as I'm as I am, my own growth. I mean, I feel that way about him too, but sidebar. I'd love that about him. So he's talking to me about controlling the outcome. And I think that he's on to something there. I mean, it resonated with me for sure. I do try to control every outcome in my life to some degree. But I also, I guess I I don't want to say I always assumed that everybody did because I know people who don't really seem to be trying to control outcomes. But as humans, we we kind of have to, in some way, every one of us, work to control outcomes. Am I gonna have food? Am I, you know, do I need to do this so I have food for my family, or do I need to do this so I take care of my health? I prefer to have this. I guess there are some people who really just flow with it. But I don't think that I ever thought too much about it within myself because honestly, I was comparing myself to other people who were doing things that I thought were really cool, and I often I've often felt lazy because guess what? I like to lay down on the couch. Like I like to watch TV. I'm not somebody who wants to work on the weekends. It's not it's not worth it to me. But yet I want big things, I want to do big things. Anyway, I digress. So I'm I'm feeling a little zapped, a little confused creatively, and also super peaceful, you know, in this in this place where I don't know what to talk about, where I'm now just talking to you about the fact that I don't know what to talk about. Which I guess is really real. As my kids would say, that's real. Or they I think they would just say, real. I never get it quite right. But I thought, you know, after talking to my husband, I need to just learn to sit down at the microphone and just be Christopher. I I've always shown up as Christopher, to be clear, but I've shown up with a topic that I want to talk about. And I just kind of found this topic. I was inside and I decided I'm gonna go back. I'm gonna go back and I'm gonna sit down. And then you actually get to see me or hear me, rather. Um reflect. Which is frankly what I I like to hear people do. Because when people reflect on where they are, if I can identify with them in any way, you know, it does the obvious, it makes me feel not so alone or not so that the situation isn't so unique to me, but it teaches me things. And ultimately, that's a big why for me with this podcast. I like to learn from people. I love, love, love to learn things. I love to I love to change my mind. I don't change my mind easily, but I do like to change my mind. I'd like to think of something a new way or at least expand whatever opinion I had of things. And so I have to believe there's value in that, and that's a that's a why. You know, even if it's just my daughters, I started this little series on my TikTok page called Lessons for My Daughters just because I wanted some purpose there too. I'm looking for my why. It feels pretty vulnerable to be doing that. Like, who am I to be, you know, talking to my kids and leaving information on social media, but they're gonna find my social media anyway, at some point. And at least then there will be messages for them. So I'm looking for a why there. And even if it's just in my little corner of the world, you know, even if nobody ever listens to these podcasts, I guess I get value out of listening to myself and working through my thoughts because I think a lot. I guess some of you probably don't think that much. I know people in life who have told me, no, I don't, um, there's not that much that's happening for me. I think all the time. I think a lot of us do. I think more of us do than don't. Especially um n in today's world, with as connected as we are. I also think uh I see a lot of people on social media or just in general in the world really trying to find a voice, find their voice. And I guess I'm just doing the same thing. And you're along for the ride with me, kind of like I am with some of my favorite creators or hosts or authors or actors sharing my story, but it's feeling it's feeling very exposed. It's feeling so uncertain. Like I'm certain on a spiritual level, this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing, but it feels so uncertain for like the the overall why. You know, this is not my job. It would be amazing, I guess, but I didn't do it so that it would become my job. Well, actually, that's I think that's probably part of what my husband was talking about. I've kind of started turning it into that a little bit, which is I think why I get stuck. Because this space that I've created here for myself and with you is not, there is no specific purpose. I'm not actually doing anything, which is crazy. And I'm so honored and it's so interesting to me that anybody would listen. But then again, I listen to all kinds of podcasters, all kinds of people. So I get so I get it. I just think connection is perhaps the thing that we're all looking for and that I'm looking for. And right now, because I'm connecting with myself and I'm taking time to really reflect and be as present as I can, and I'm kind of shifting and slipping between two worlds of kind of an old way of thinking and a new way of thinking, I find myself without words or without a specific focus. And I guess the only thing to do is to do exactly what I'm doing, just kind of plow through gently. Plow's probably the wrong word. Because that's probably like, you know, a different mentality. I need to just allow. I get to just allow. If I decide I don't want to post or I can't post every week, you know, I'm reading every all these things that say, oh, you're supposed to do it this way, this way, this way, this way. And I I could apply this to many different things in my life. It's really easy for me to become that kind of regimented guy. Although it's becoming less and less easy, which again is why it's taken me a minute to find something to talk about. Because I can't just talk to talk anymore. It's getting harder and harder. Why would I put something out into the world that that at least isn't authentic? I guess I can't say that has no value because value is subjective. I think that the the very Least I can do is make sure that whoever uncovers this record of my mind gets the most authentic version of me. Because when I see people or hear people being authentic, again, it comforts me. Even if we're not experiencing the same thing, it comforts me. I like it. It's a beautiful thing to witness that. And I guess maybe what I didn't understand in all the people I look at who I believe are really living authentically and giving off that vibe is that maybe they're kind of in this nebulous kind of flow state too. Maybe not. Or maybe they were at one time. Where the old's not quite gone and the new's not quite solidified, and you're figuring out how to create whatever you're creating from a new place, a more patient place. Anyway. I feel like I should stop there. It feels like I did what I came to do. I sat down and I shared a fairly coherent series of thoughts. Maybe when I listen back, I will disagree. But I'm gonna try real hard to make sure I don't put this podcast on the cutting room floor. Metaphorical cutting room floor. But rather share it with you as another step, kind of learning about this space here. Learning about the space that I'm creating for you and for me. So thanks for hanging out with me and listening. You're always such a good listener. And wherever you are, I hope you have the best day, the best night that you possibly can. And know that I'll be looking forward to talking to you again very soon. Until then, take good care. Bye-bye. Uncided.